Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
