I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
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Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
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I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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