Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
