He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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