You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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