tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
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Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
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LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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