We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
