FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
