I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
