Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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