Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
