dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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