i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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