I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
