so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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