my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
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the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
you made out with another girl for some wings
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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