I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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