well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
