i think i have two assholes
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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