She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
