just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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