That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
fuck your aforementioned shoe
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Randomize
