3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
