So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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