chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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