So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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