i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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