Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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