I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
