Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
