actually, I'm a sock model
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
