Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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