Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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