Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
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I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
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My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.