Umm I'm too high to move.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.