Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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