It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
