Plan B is the new Plan A
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
