He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
