somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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