Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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