matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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