I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize