There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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