Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
