you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
