checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
