So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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