last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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