he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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