She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
