DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!