His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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