I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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