My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
